I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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