My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
