it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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