I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
And then my night got REAL pukey
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
