but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
