I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize