textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
