When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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