Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
