he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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