I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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