I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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