He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize