Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize