Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
