Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
