The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
This girl is more easily done than said...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
