I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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