I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
