How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize