You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
