good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
