Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
