is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
