No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
