Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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