Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
