Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
