i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
