You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
