I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
