Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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