I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
