Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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