before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
