our cab driver is having phone sex.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
