you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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