Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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