We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize