Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
