my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
