I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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