Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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