My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
