i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
