I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
