I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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