It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
