Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize