i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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