I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
