oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
