I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you win again, gameday.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The convent might be a nice break from real life
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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