I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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