its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
