Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
